Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
