She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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