new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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