yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
