Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
