my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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