life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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