I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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