when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
