Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
