i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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