why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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