i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
love makes seman taste better
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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