Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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