She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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