I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
