Four minutes until I can fart!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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