the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
