i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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