so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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