My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
