My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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