woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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