last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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