You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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