Me. At least after what I've been through.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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