I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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