She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
