you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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