This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
