I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
how does that bad decision feel?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
