I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
