Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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