and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
