1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
