last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
