Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Of course I have a pirate flag
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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