Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
