I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
