Please, let me fuck your mom
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
