If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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