I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
