If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
