My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
