I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
