I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
