I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
