He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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