Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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