The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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