$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
