Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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