I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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