i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
